Something I hear a lot is ‘Im having a second baby, but I just don’t know if I’ll love them as much as my first?’
Well, the simple answer is yes, yes you will. But that love isn’t the same, it’s just different. It’s not something that can really be put into words. This is coming from me personally. As a Mum of three little boys, I can only say from what I have experienced.
Zishan, my eldest had been my one and only for almost two years when I was due to give birth to my second. My entire world was about to change and I would often think to myself and say to my husband ‘But, what if I don’t love this baby as much as I do Zishan?’ He would often shake his head and say ‘don’t be so silly, of course you will’. But to me this wasn’t silly. This was real and it was my feelings that I felt so strongly about.
Zishan was my little boy, the one who made me a mother, the boy who changed how I saw life. How on earth would another child be able to match up to that? Surely they couldn’t? My heart belongs to my tiny man and his belongs to me.
Saying it now, I sound like a mad woman but I know so many other mothers have felt this and do feel this right now.
Take my friend Frankie for instance. She is 5 weeks from due with her second little one. Her beautiful boy Jake has been the apple of her eye for 6 years. The only son she has had to care for and put her everything into for all of those years. She has wondered ‘can I love my second just as much?’, and yes of course she can but that feeling is real and needs to be treated as such. She isn’t being silly, this is an emotion that means something to her and as a Mum who has felt that, I understand it.
I often (due to my anxiety), feel I come across a ‘know it all’, but I just have had a lot of experience, and I’m one to share. So let’s get that straight before eyes roll.
I’m like a firework. Once I get speaking about something I’m passionate about (children, birth and breastfeeding) then as soon as you set me off and light that fire, the sparks fly. Those sparks are information, whether personal experiences or fact.
So it came the day that we were going into have Diddles. We didn’t know the gender, the only time my husband got his own way when it came to the pregnancies haha!
Zishan came along for the first few hours of my labour. I would spin him between contractions, he would sit on my bump. I was staring at his little round face just taking it all in. My only child, about to be a big brother. It gets all the emotions running as I write this. I’m such a sap!
The hugs happened and he went off to my in laws with my husband. the first (and only to this day) time he has ever spent a night away from home. My best friend Danni stayed with me as we enjoyed the gas and air (seriousness just isn’t a thing when Danni and I are alone). My Husband returned and the contractions got stronger. He had his nap while I contracted more and more. I mean, it’s good he slept as I would need his energy later on and not have him knock out.
After 31 hours, just like Zishans labour, we were rushed into theatre for another emergency C Section, but this time I actually heard my son born!
Wait, another boy, IT’S A BOY!
I was asleep for my first sons birth, so this experience was magical. That the word, the one thing I said as it happened. ‘I can hear him, this is what magic feels like’. One moment, let me grab my tissues. Gosh it’s a moment I will never forget! That gorgeous cry from this little bowling ball head!
He was here! Brought above the drapes, I saw my son. My love was instant. The rush, oh the instant rush of love I can’t even tell you how it felt to finally hear my baby born. He was wrapped up and then brought over to me as I was being stitched up not he operating table. ‘He’s special’ I thought. There’s something about him, and I still feel this to this day. My Diddles (Idris). My little star.
You see, it’s not me loving him more or less. It’s a different kind of love. Zishans little brother. Wow. I have children! Such a huge word to say after always having a ‘child’.
You cannot measure love when it comes to your children. You love them, you love them so infinitely that words cannot describe. My heart is beating so hard at the thought of their births.
Diddles was born at 12:34am. The softest face, like a cloud. Danni came in to meet him so soon after his birth and I saw her love on him too.
Once morning came round, it was time for my biggest boy to meet his baby brother. Oh I was so excited for this moment.
In he came. *wipes eyes*
He couldn’t get enough of him! Being only 22 months at the time, I worried as so many do) about jealously but he just loved on him straight away.
One thing I’ll say though, when I was pregnant with my third. I just didn’t have that feeling at all! They love Marny so much, SO MUCH.
I had learnt that love multiplies, it doesn’t divide.
As your families grows, your love grows. You heart gets bigger, and your smile gets greater.
So, if you’re worried about it. Don’t feel you can’t tell someone, it’s a genuine feeling and you are allowed that.
But do know that you’ll love them just as much.
Being a newborn photographer, I see this love time and time again.
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