A year on from the day you left.

Mar 3, 2019 | Uncategorized

So, its been a year since the day we lost our second little angel through miscarriage.


A year in which our lives could have changed forever. funny how you don’t really get a choice in it. Either things are going to happen or theyre not.

Sure, there are small things we can make happen, but have a think. It’s really happening because of the chain of events before this.

In the year since we lost our second little angel, a lot has changed at Dinky Days.
A lot has changed in my life, me as a person. I feel strong, yet that part of me will always be missing. She (I always believe our loss was a girl), would still be what, 3/4 months ish? We had no due date yet so I can’t say for sure.

After our loss, I had so much comfort from friends. Yet I also had things said that I dont feel were right to say to a grieving woman. Even as a ‘friend’ you should know to keep certain thoughts to yourself.

‘Maybe it was *just* a chemical pregnancy’
‘You shouldn’t have tested so early’
‘At least you have your three boys’

Eye rolls all around. Tear soaked eye rolls.

The moment you see those two little lines, that positive screen. Your heart grows.

You just don’t say that to a woman or a man. Because Dad matters too. Miscarriage hurts everyone.

I may have felt all the pain and physical things, but my husband still suffered a loss too.

It’s been year of realisation in my life. I feel like she has been by my side helping me.


My anxiety took a huge leap and affected me daily. I was having anxiety attacks daily through 2018. Although I’ve always suffered with it, I know for sure that our March 2nd loss helped that anxiety ZOOM into the sky.
Click my blog on my anxiety to find out more and on how CBD oil really changed my entire life.

I’ve now *kind of* got it under control. But it takes hold still occasionally.

I digress.

Life would have been so different in our home if we had been lucky enough to have carried her to term. Gosh, imagine! 4 children, what a blessing.

I must admit, it hurts every single time someone asks me if Im going to go for another baby. I don’t hold back, I don’t dismiss my losses.

My answer is always ‘we tried last year but sadly suffered a miscarriage with both. If we were to have another, it wouldn’t ever be an accident. He or she would always be in the plan for my Family.’

Being a newborn and family photographer, I am around new families a lot and this means I get asked it a lot. Almost every session. I know they don’t mean it in a bad way, so Im never offended. It’s just that broken piece of my heart that shatters a little more every time I explain.
Even more so when people ask if I want a girl and I know full well my losses were girls.
I definitely have a feeling I can’t carry girls. My boys were thankfully all born healthy. Yet the ones I had a miscarriage with, feel like girls. Co incidence? I think not. But it’s not something I’m going to argue over with anyones thoughts. These are mine and they matter. It’s crazy that all my boys ask me for is a sister and it’s something I don’t feel I can give. And a dog, but I mean dogs are totally epic. It’s a shame my husband doesn’t understand the amazingness of a puppy!

We now have a little kitten however. A little fluffy girl called Dinky. She gives focus. My mind doesn’t have as much time to wander when she’s say trying to grab my fingers as a I type and edit in the evenings when it’s all quiet. When the boys are settled in bed and I’m left with my thoughts.

She was something we needed more than I realised and I’m excited to add to the brood with a sister for her one day.

As a mother to angels, whenever Im asked how I feel. I want to say ‘I’m sad. I feel that sadness every day. I smile because Im also happy and I have such incredible children walking beside me but Im sad because I know how much she would have fit into our Family’.

As I sit on the train on the way to a photography business course, I felt to pass the time. I also needed to stop the tears from falling down my fresh makeup applied face. No one wants that mascara mess when they’re out for the whole day.
I’ve no doubt I’ll let them fall later. And that’s ok. It’s good to cry. It’s good to let the emotions come out. It’s good to talk about it and thats something I pride myself on.

Writing the blog on her just hours after the loss. Two little lines is raw. It’s fresh. It’s real. It’s exactly what I was feeling at the time as a laid in the bath waiting for the pain to pass. I’m stronger now and for me the time has helped to heal. But the hurt will always be there.

To the Mum who has lost their baby who is reading his. I’m here for you. You can message me whenever, I will be at the other end of that message holding your hand, and wiping your tears while wiping my own hearing your story.

Lets speak about our babies. Our miscarriage. Yours too. They aren’t here in body, but their spirit is here. That voice in the back of my head. The skip in my heartbeat.

To my little girls who aren’t here, I love you. My heart is always yours.

December and March.

Mummy xx


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